


Small and big

by SuperMazeWolf



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a sort of happy ending, Child Abuse, Child Tony Stark, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Post-Break Up, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Protective Steve Rogers, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-07 17:27:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6816676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperMazeWolf/pseuds/SuperMazeWolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony likes Aunt Peggy. She tells him stories about a guy named Steve Rogers, a small man who turned out to be a big man. </p><p>Steve comes back, and Tony gets to meet him at an older age. </p><p>Basically:<br/>God, I was feeling them feels about Aunt Peggy and Tony admiring stEVE AS A YOUNG KID 'CAUSE HE GOT ABUSED AND CAPTAIN AMERICA PROTECTS EVERYONE AND LATER ON MEETS STEVE AT AN OLDER AGE B/C GUESS WHAT, STEVE'S ALIVE!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Aunt Peggy

**Author's Note:**

> Yes.

_Peggy noticed small things about Tony._

_Like the way he would flinch if he made a small mistake, almost as if protecting himself from a potential blow to the face, the way he stuttered and rushed on and on about something if he was nervous, the way he would twitch and talk formally and so politely to Howard whenever he approached, and how much he avoided talking about his relationship with his father._

_One particular time caught her attention. Tony accidentally tipped an empty cup over, and he immediately flinched and flipped it back over, raising his arms slightly. "Sorry, I'm sorry Aunt Peggy, I won't do it again-" "Tony, love, it's okay," Peggy said, kneeling down and pulling him close, "It was a mistake. We all learn from our mistakes, honey, it's okay to make mistakes." Tony buried his small face into Peggy's neck._

_"Father gets mad," Tony whispered, his voice full of fear, "But- but it's discipline, and- and it doesn't hurt that much, he always says sorry-" Peggy shook her head and smoothed his hair. "Darling, it's okay to tell me the truth. Does it hurt? Does it scare you?" Tony was silent for a while, trembling in Peggy's embrace before letting out a small and terrified, "Yes." Peggy felt her heart squeeze and she pressed her lips on his forehead. "I knew a man named Steve, Tony. Steve Rogers, you know him, right?" Tony nodded, whispered, "Captain America" and settled onto her lap as Peggy sat down._

_"Steve was a small man, Tony, he was sick and frail, but he was determined. Quite stubborn, always wanting to help. Tony, dear, he hated people who hurt others, you know that? He always stood up and tried his best, no matter the consequences." Tony nodded again, and Peggy felt his eyelashes flutter. "And then he became a big man, Tony, his heart grew, his body grew, his resolve grew and he could face his fears. He protected a lot of people, darling."_

_Peggy pulled back and brushed a thumb under Tony's eyes. He was so small, so scared, but a genius at heart. He could figure it out. "Tony, no matter how small he felt, he stood and became a hero."_

_Tony's eyes were full of wonder and fascination. "Aunt Peggy, will I be able to be like him someday?" Peggy chuckled and pressed her lips to his head again._

_"Of course you will be, love, you're smart and brave, you'll be able to do anything if you believe in it." And Tony snuggled closer._

And now Tony stood, hands in his pocket as he stared down at his parents' graves. He was surprised that he didn't feel much, he wasn't sobbing like he had expected, wasn't trembling or at the least bitter. It was stupid, he just regretted not being able to prove himself to Howard, not being able to say the small words of 'I love you' to his mother. 

But Peggy was there, and she was gripping Tony's arm with a reassuring hand and a tight expression. 

Tony loathed that expression. Hated it on his Aunt's face, hated the look of sadness.  
He almost felt bad for not feeling sad. 

"Can we go?" Tony found himself asking, voice flat and sharp. He shoved his hand in his pockets, ignoring the fact that he was crumpling the bottom of his suit. God, his mother would usually scold him for even wrinkling a shirt. She wasn't here to tell him anymore, so why the hell would he care? "Of course, darling," Peggy murmured, pulling him close before leading him away, "Don't look at the reporters." 

Tony straightened his back and strode past cameras and reporters, setting his face to stone.  
Interviewers crowded him, but Tony didn't spare a glance.  
He was done with them all. 

After a car ride of silence, Peggy led Tony to his bedroom in the mansion.  
And Tony found himself trembling, but he still didn't feel anything. 

"Tony, dear," Peggy said softly, rubbing the small of his back, "Are you alright?" Tony nodded, his lips stretching into a grim line. "Yeah," he croaked, "Don't feel anything. Is that normal?" Peggy sighed and put an arm around him, and Tony inwardly wanted to melt against her and ask her to make him hot chocolate, to tell him a story about the so-called 'Steve Rogers' his dad would always compare him to, but he held his words. "Can I tell you a story?" Peggy asked, and Tony wanted to desperately nod and yell 'yes,' he wanted to forget about the emptiness he felt.  
He would have rather cried and felt sorrow than feel empty, but he felt like a shell. 

So he just shrugged and closed his eyes when Peggy started talking. 

"You know, Steve had a really close friend. Brothers, practically, this man took care of Steve when he was younger." Tony nodded slightly, sinking into her embrace. "There was a mission shortly after Steve found and saved this man. His name was James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky, as Steve called him. They went to a train and fought, but a blast sent Bucky flying, through a huge hole in the wall. He managed to grab onto a part of the train, Steve told me, but he fell." Peggy paused after that, and Tony almost squirmed with impatience. "And?" He prompted quietly, finally giving up and letting his weariness wash over him. "Steve was devastated," Peggy murmured, "He tried getting drunk. Didn't help at all. But he pushed through it, and he fought his battles fiercely in memory of his friend." 

Tony's nods got weaker as all his energy drained out of him.  
"When did you last sleep, darling?" Peggy asked with a fond smile, brushing her thumb on his cheek. "I dunno," Tony muttered, rubbing his face, "Before dad and mom left for the... the trip." Peggy pulled away briefly, examining him. "Tony, that was about 3 days ago. You need sleep," she said, her tone set. Tony mumbled something ineligible before opening his eyes slightly.  
"Stay?" He whispered, his whole body slouching. "Of course, honey." 

He had a nightmare that night.


	2. Gone

It was years after before Tony started to notice things about his aunt, mainly her unusual forgetfulness. 

Peggy would never forget a business meeting, would never _ever_ forget appointments, but she was doing so more and more often. "Don't you have a meeting with your boss today?" Tony called out, leaning back from his desk to peer through the small crack in his door. He saw Peggy turn her head and frown, eyes darting up to the calendar. "Oh," was all she said, looking back at Tony. "Thank you for reminding me, love."

Tony frowned. 

"It isn't like you to forget," he remarked, looking down at the blueprint he was constructing, "You never forget things." He heard Peggy laugh, and a footsteps told him that she was coming to his room. He felt a hand on his head and looked up, his frown growing larger at the sudden affection. "What?" Peggy shook her head and kissed his forehead. "I can see your worry, duck," she laughed, "I'm just tired from the job. It's fine, okay?" And Tony shrugged, the sudden thumping in his chest slowing down slightly. 

Then months passed, and it didn't get better. 

Peggy's personality seemed to shift, her usual coolness turning into impatience, strict performance turning sloppier. Tony consistently asked her to get it checked out by a doctor or at least tell him about it, but Peggy shrugged it off with one of her _nothing's wrong_ smile. "There _is_ something wrong," Tony insisted, grunting in protest when she wrapped an arm around him, "Can you please get it checked out? For me?" God, he sounded like a whiny child, but it seemed to do the trick. Peggy's eyes softened and finally agreed to go to the doctors after her newest assignment. 

Tony was already expecting the diagnoses, and he didn't find it surprising.  
"So, Alzheimer," Tony said after a long while of silence.  
Peggy didn't respond.  
Shit. And it went downhill from there. She had to stop some of the missions she was assigned to, she even sometimes hesitated when she called out to Tony. It hurt.  
He was losing someone else, too. 

"Darling, come here," Tony heard Peggy call out. He pushed himself off of his chair and sat on her bed, letting her pull him close. "Tell me a story," Tony blurted out suddenly. Peggy paused, looking at him in surprise. "You always tell me stories, remember? About Steve." Peggy looked at him for a long moment, as if calculating, then her intense gaze softened. "Steve, huh?" She murmured, looking at the floor. 

Please, please, please, remember. 

"He... was a frail boy, wasn't he?"  
He let out a breath he didn't remember holding in.  
Peggy smiled suddenly. 

"You know, we had a date. For a dance. I remember, before he went, we made plans for a dance." Tony nodded, eyes averting. "He made a... A comment about the date, about being late. He didn't finish his sentence before he went, and..." She paused. "And..." 

Tony shook his head slightly and hugged her tightly. "S fine," he said quietly, "Not remembering. Gonna remember it soon, right?" Peggy nodded, letting out a sigh. "I barely remember," Peggy admitted, "Aside from loving him dearly." 

Tony felt the familiar churn of jealousy in his stomach, but he pushed it down.  
For Peggy, he reminded himself, Steven Rogers hadn't done anything to him, so why was he mad?


	3. Hey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aunt Peggy passed

"She's having a good day," the nurse informed Tony as he walked into the room. Tony muttered a thanks and pulled a chair over to Peggy's bed, a soft smile on his face. "Hey," he said quietly as Peggy's eyes adjusted onto his face. "Hello, darling," she replied with a smile, "It's been a while, hasn't it, duck?" Tony let out a breath, half a chuckle, and clasped her hand in his own. "Not really. How're you feeling?" He asked with a weak grin. "It's nothing bad, love, just a minor headache." 

Tony felt another lump in his throat.

"Can you tell me another story?" Tony asked, his voice unusually gentle and quiet. Peggy frowned, looking up at Tony as he tightened his grip. "About Steve, you always tell me stories about him," he added, forcing a small smile on his face. "Steve... Of course. Of course." And she started, her voice weak but steady, the story about her kissing Steve for the first and last time. "He was going... Going on a mission, I think. It was hurried," she recalled, voice cracking with strain, "And..." Tony shook his head slightly and shifted. 

"What time is it?" Peggy asked abruptly, making Tony jerk his head, "Howard's funeral is in a few minutes, isn't it?"  
Tony felt his throat tighten.  
"Peggy, sleep, you're tired aren't you?" Tony said, ignoring her question, "You didn't sleep yesterday. You need sleep." "But Howard's-" "There's still a few hours left," Tony said, the tightest smile on his face as his throat threatened to close up, "I'll wake you. I swear to God I'll wake you. Sleep, please?" Peggy frowned, but her eyes were already out of focus. "I have a meeting today," she said quietly, eyes closing, "I didn't..." And she stopped talking, falling asleep just like that. 

Tony couldn't stop the tears from falling, and he lowered his head as he lifted the frail hands in his own. He leaned against the hands, closing his eyes as his body started trembling with sudden jerks from sobs.  
He was losing her.  
Already. 

X 

"Sir, there's a call directed to you," he heard a man yell out. Tony let out a frustrated sigh and lowered his screw, walking to the door. "Who is it?" He demanded, pausing when the man held the phone out to him. "I don't appreciate being handed things," Tony said with a slow breath, "Leave it on the table." So the man did, bent over and placed the phone on a small coffee table near the door. "It's an anonymous call," the man said before stepping out, "He says it's urgent." 

Tony snatched the phone up and pressed it to his ear. "It'd better be good," he growled, "If you wasted my time for no reason-" " _We found Steven Rogers' body. _" Tony paused, mouth opening before closing it again.__  
"And?" It was the only thing that came out of his mouth, and he immediately cringed at his own speechlessness.  
" _He's alive, sir. And we're requesting you to come to the scene at a convenient time._ " 

And Tony was in a chopper the next moment. 

He nearly tipped over when he stepped out, the blizzard blurring everything. "FOLLOW ME," a man yelled, motioning to Tony. Tony grit his teeth and started pushing forward, managing to catch up to the team and through caution tapes. He was led down an almost cavern-like area, ice packed everywhere. "There's the shield," a man said, pointing at a frozen red, blue, and white object. 

That was Howard's invention, Tony realized, and he shoved his hand in his pockets. 

"There's the body. It's being extracted right now." 

Tony stepped forward, a flashlight shining onto a familiar yet unfamiliar face.  
Tony's breath turned to white in the cold air, heart starting to beat rapidly. 

He placed a hand on the ice, eyes finally adjusting onto the face of Steve Rogers.  
He had to smile. 

"Hello, captain. Peggy's waiting."


	4. Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ciVIL WAR FEELS. I was, you know, wondering what would've happened if instead of returning home, Tony got kidnapped or just vanished. SO I DECIDED TO MAKE IT A REALITY. :D

When Peggy died, Tony refused to go to her funeral.

It wasn't because of Rogers, although Tony wanted to blame him, it was because it didn't _feel_ right. Peggy couldn't possibly die just like that, it was almost impossible in his mind. Peggy had always been there, disease or not, and the last time he'd held her hand was... 

Tony rubbed his face, leaning forward on his chair.  
"My left arm is numb, is that normal?" He found himself asking, swallowing the lump in his throat.  
Natasha let out a huff and rubbed his shoulder, making him look away. He couldn't meet her eyes, he'd probably break down again.  
They exchanged a few words, and to Tony's surprise, he even managed to make her chuckle and smile. Then came the question. 

"You alright?" 

_No, no, I'm not okay, everything's in hell. Nothing's okay, I want it to fucking end, I'd rather die than deal with this bullshit, I don't-_

"Always."  
Maybe that was the reason why Tony kept breaking away into dust, he always lied.  
' _Tony, you can't do anything right, can you? Why can't you be like Steve?_ ' 

He nearly flinched visibly when Howard's voice rang out in head.  
Go away. 

X 

Peter was a nice kid, he almost reminded Tony of himself long ago.  
It kind of hurt, to be honest. Innocence was something Tony would welcome back into his life. 

Peggy's absence was slowly starting to become a reality. 

X 

Rhodey nearly died in front of Tony.  
Tony wondered why he was actually fighting. 

X 

Tony was staring up at the ceiling of the HYDRA base until he finally decided to get up. 

He had to get back. 

STEVE'S POV 

Steve was admittedly hoping that Tony would call him after he sent the letter. He waited for a while, stayed patient because he knew that Tony was hurt, perhaps even beyond repair. 

He assumed that Peggy's death hadn't effected just him.  
He needed to give Tony a proper apology.  
If he'd accept it.


	5. Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve Rogers wasn't the man Tony thought he would be.

Tony started drinking again, something he had dropped ever since Peggy's diagnoses of Alzheimer. 

He didn't really care though, how could he?  
Everything had gone to hell, and there was no one he could turn to. 

The avengers weren't his. No, they weren't, they were only there if Tony needed them to be, but he didn't need them. Quite frankly, it would have been easier if Steve had taken them all in all, left Tony to drown in his own sorrow. His friend was paralyzed, former love of his life gone, and the people he considered friends no longer all that important.

The stories about Steve Rogers by Peggy kept cycling through his brain, and all he could think was...  
Wrong.  
The stories were wrong.  
Wrong, wrong, wrong. 

But dammit, it hurt. Hurt that he had trusted Steve, hurt that it had to end that way. Before everything, before the fight, Tony had actually taken a liking to the captain, being his childhood hero and all. He had been nice to Tony, treated him like a person, fighting hard for what he believed was right like Peggy had said.

But now that image had shattered, instead left Tony in a state where he couldn't even differentiate friend to foe.  
God dammit, what the hell was he thinking? Nothing made sense anymore.

Another bottle had him feeling a bit woozy.  
Hilarious, here he was drinking away his sorrows like the fucking idiot he was. 

Now he had to cover up Steve and... And Barnes' tracks again.  
Fucking Barnes.  
All he knew about him was that he killed his mother.  
Brainwashed or not.  
Of course, Steve wouldn't pause to even consider the fact that Tony didn't know Barnes like he did.  
Fuck Steve.  
Fuck all of them.

No, no, that was wrong. Jesus, he didn't even know what he was thinking about, one thought kept jumping to another.  
He popped another bottle open and dropped on the floor, back on the walls. Tony brought his knees up to his chest and sighed loudly, lifting his chin to take another chug. Fuck Rogers and Barnes.

He wished Peggy was here.

Another chug. 

The doorbell rang.  
Shit, shit, shit.

Tony threw the bottle into the wall, ignoring the loud crash as it smashed into pieces. He pushed himself up and swayed slightly, swallowing before making his way to the door, hands on the walls the whole time. "What?" He managed, prying the door leading into the hallway open with a grunt.  
He froze when he saw a familiar face.

"What the fuck do you want, Rogers?" Tony snapped immediately, stumbling back in surprise.  
Okay, that was a bit more aggressive than he intended to go for, but it happened.  
So fuck it. 

"Tony-" "Don't... Don't you _Tony_ me. What do you want?" Tony cut Steve off, inwardly punching himself when his legs slowly started to fail him. "Can I come in? If that's not..." 

Tony stared at Steve before scoffing. "You show up for no reason and you want to come in? Why?"  
"I just... I thought I owed you an apology face on, okay? If you want me to leave, I'll leave." 

There it was, the polite manner that Tony absolutely despised and hated.  
It made Steve seem nice.  
Made everything seem like it was Tony's choice when it clearly wasn't. 

"You came here for a reason," Tony said, voice a bit quieter, "Just... Just get on with it."  
He didn't intend to, but he flinched visibly when Steve shifted his hand.  
God _dammit._

"Tony, are you-" Tony held a hand up and ran a hand through his hair, closing his eyes. "I can't talk out here. If you... If you want to talk, hurry up," Tony managed, straining himself to move.  
He felt a hand support his back, and just for a split second, Tony almost slapped it away.  
Oh, for fuck's sake, he was a mess.

Tony sat down, and Steve sat across from him, hands folded.  
An uncomfortable silence that Tony called comfortable settled over him, and Steve broke the silence.

"How are you doing?"

_Fucking horrible. I'm glad that you're here, I need someone to talk to, I need a friend, I need help, I need-_

"Fine. Why?"

"I'm worried."

"Why?"

"I... You're my friend, Tony. I worry."

_Thank God, I need help, worry, worry's good-_

"Great." 

"Tony, how many bottles-"

"7."

"Tony-"

_Please hold me. Help me._

"You know, I used to admire you," Tony said, his voice gruff and raspy, "Peggy used to tell me all these... These fucking stories about you, and she would never stop. You-you know, Howard always compared me to you, Rogers. Never stopped even once to appreciate what I've done, only looked at what I was lacking and never acted like an actual dad. Didn't have the decency to... To just tell me that I was doing fine. Peggy was the only one who actually- who actually helped, she actually managed to convince that fucking- Howard, she convinced Howard to let me follow her around. She was like a new mom." He was getting hysterical now, reaching up to grab his hair. 

Steve didn't move, just kept his eyes on Tony. 

"Then- then she got diagnosed with Alzheimer, and I kept telling her to- to tell me more stories about you, she always remembered, _remembered_ , and- and then you were alive, then..." Tony stopped and sucked in a breath, eyesight blurry.  
"You- you know, I hated you for a while, couldn't even _handle_ being around you because- because Peggy could only remember you on her bad days, and- and I blamed it all on you, Mr. Perfect, you were always loved, never blamed for any flaws, it _pissed_ me off. Then I- I try my best to keep this entire fucking WORLD safe and keep this- this thing I came to call family together, then I find out that my parents were-" He choked on a sob, "That my parents were murdered by- by Barnes- and..." 

He couldn't continue.  
Tony barely noticed Steve moving until he felt a hand on his back.  
Kind of comforting.  
Kind of not. 

"I'm sorry for everything," he heard Steve murmur, rubbing a small circle onto his back, "I know it won't do much, but..."  
Tony slumped sideways and clung onto Steve pathetically.  
A half-drunk sobbing idiot was clinging onto Captain fucking AMERICA while talking about his problems.  
But Steve only hugged him back. 

And just for a moment, Tony forced himself to drop the grudge he was holding.


	6. Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A road to recovery might just be worth it.

Steve held Tony until he fell asleep.

Tony wasn't okay.  
He felt stupid for realizing that just then.  
He was suffering more than he had anticipated, and it only made Steve's guilt heavier. 

Tony had lost weight since the last time he saw him, Steve could feel his ribs, although it wasn't too distinct. He absentmindedly ran a hand through Tony's hair before quietly hoisting him up, carrying him to his bed.  
Steve had messed up bad.  
He felt even more guilt.

He had only noticed his mistake after Bucky went under again.

When he moved to pull away, he felt a hand grip his wrist and Steve jerked his head back. "Don't leave," he heard Tony mumble, eyes still closed and puffy, "Please."  
Steve's heart broke even more. 

Steve sat down on the bed after a moment of hesitation, finding himself slipping a hand onto the other man's cheek. "Sorry," he murmured gently, stroking Tony's cheek, "Sorry. I was being a dumbass." He felt Tony's cheek twitch, a quirk upwards, but it failed to turn into a full smile. "S doesn't matter," he heard him breath out, "Not now, anyway. Prob'ly gonna wake up next morn'n and not rem'mber an'thing." Steve shook his head and pressed a kiss to his temple.

It almost felt wrong to be this close to Tony, right after the event, but it felt natural at the same time.  
Almost.

\- 

Tony remembered everything the next morning, and it didn't help that Steve was still sitting on his bed, head leaning on the wall and sleeping with a hand on Tony's cheek. He cursed silently and shifted slightly, hating himself for liking the feeling of the hand on his cheek. He should've hated Steve, loathe him, absolutely despise him, but he didn't have the strength to manage it. 

Didn't have the strength to do anything. 

_"He always stands up to what he believes to be right,_ " Peggy had once whispered to him, when Tony was sobbing over the new robot his father had smashed, " _And no matter what, somehow, he makes you believe it's right too._ " That one was slightly more accurate. 

It pained Tony.  
He wished that he could erase what happened between them, he wanted to be close to Steve without hesitation. 

That wouldn't work. He had to be mad at Steve, mad at Barnes, who, now that Tony thought about it, had no control over his parents' deaths. 

Tony felt more like a dumbass than he usually considered himself. 

And Steve stirred, making Tony snap out of his thoughts.  
He braced himself for the awkwardness, but was surprised to find none. There was no silence, only Steve's constant rambles about being sorry. 

For hurting Tony. 

Tony listened, didn't say anything, just listened and listened as Steve blabbered on and on.  
"Rogers, stop," he rasped, "Gonna give me a headache." That shut Steve up. 

"Just... Stay quiet and stay here, okay?" Tony whispered, "You're gonna have to leave soon. The world's against you right now." He swallowed a lump. "I have to be, okay? I have to be against you." Steve nodded slightly, blue eyes full of sorrow. 

"Don't look at me like that, gonna make it harder," Tony said, his voice growing quieter, "Please."  
"Okay, okay," Steve muttered. 

Tony pulled Steve down and wrapped his arms around him, burrowing his face into Steve's neck. "Don't forget me," he muttered, "We may never meet each other without having to kill each other. Don't forget me." 

_Peggy sat down next to Tony, running a hand through 22 year old's hair. "Tony, don't forget me. No matter what you do, no matter how far you go, never forget anyone you love, okay? Don't forget yourself, either. Never, okay, duck? Never." And Tony clung onto Peggy, crying. "If you don't forget, you can love," Peggy whispered, "Okay?" Tony shook his head, gripped Peggy's smaller frame tighter. "I'm scared," Tony admitted in a quiet voice, "I fucking hate this. Peggy's heart broke._

 _That was the last time Peggy spoke to Tony in a clear mind. "Tony, this is for the best." "No, it's not. It's- it's-" "Darling. Just don't forget me." "Okay. Fine." "Good."_


End file.
